My time in London

Or a throwback to the dark times (pre-story of "For the SOUL")

Something that I need to mention from the beginning: these are just my own thoughts and feelings, so please don’t get offended. There are people who love certain places while others hate them. We all have our own preferences and likes and dislikes. The world is a colorful place with much of a choice for everyone. ;) I am also not saying that this is the worst place in the world to live in. It gave me a lot of opportunities and new possibilities and I am thankful for this!

I went to London on 9th August 2018, how and why I still don’t know exactly. Apparently I tend to make crazy decisions.

I just graduated from high school and applied at the National Academy of Arts in Sofia, but after they didn’t get me (which is a no surprise because of their high standards and my not keeping in borders attitude) I didn’t have any plan. I had a boyfriend then who just offered like a joke to go, but we bought the tickets and actually went there.

We arrived at Luton Airport with no settled place to live or work. With the power of luck of reckless decisions we called one guy and found a room and work instantly. After two months of happy living in Luton, I was accepted to study Graphic design course in London and we moved there to put an unexpected end to happiness.

Despite the fact that we split we had to live together a few more devastating months in the same flat, same room and same bed.

I don’t want to share details of those times but I will say that

I put an end of it by taking my backpack and escaping to Bali!

(more information about the most amazing time in my life expect in next blog post.) There I recovered my soul and my body and I highly recommend it to everyone.

After two months spent in paradise among amazing people and new friends I had to go back to rainy London – from over 30°C every day to 8 °C with rain and still feeling like winter; from all the beaches, palms and freedom to a small room and crowded streets. You can guess how my soul got sick instantly. I was dreaming of sun and warmth all day, every day. It was tearing me from inside.

So as an artist, I just started drawing, not thinking what exactly I was doing. I found a way to heal a bit of the pain inside.

I drew 6 paintings and I didn’t know what they mean. But after some time I put the pieces together and I realized how I drew my own struggling and the story became full. I named the series “For the SOUL” (and about this you will be able to read more in another post) and did my first exhibition with them. So despite the depressing feelings, my artworks were filled with, the reaction of the people made me feel really good. The empathy and recognition of the people put some warmth in my heart. This is one of the best feelings an artist can get.

I got a bit warm, but nothing lasts forever. Moved to a bit bigger room, but again not big enough to spread my wings freely. Summer was over again and not only outside. I like being alone, I’m introverted after all and blessed with my art, but I didn’t like being alone there. The small room grew feelings of claustrophobia and the not good weather brought back the feelings of depression. Spent Christmas and New year alone far from family and friends (yes, I was working on both days and there were many people, but they were just people. And yes, I had closer people from work, but nothing can be compared to relatives and friends since childhood. So yes, I was alone.)

The month of January brought even worse feelings inside me. I had thoughts passing through my mind that I never knew I would have…and they frightened me. They were extreme thoughts that I rapidly tried to banish with all my power. And again art came to help me. I poured my new and sadder than ever feelings on the paper and did the second part of “For the SOUL”.

So here comes the next runaway.

I booked only flight tickets to Italy and Malta and took only my backpack. I went there with no plan and place to stay. Every day when it was afternoon I was finding some place to spend the night. Oh, how much I liked this freedom. Just by myself, no one to think for, I was taking whichever road or train or boat (or even plane) that I like.

After two weeks of wandering I got back to my cell and after two or three more weeks I got back home, not expecting that I will be never back to London.

Now after all you can see how the lockdown brought me so much good. It speeded up the process of my permanent escape that I’ve been planning from my fourth month there. It took me away from that depressing for me place and led me back home. Now I am sitting again alone in my room but I am feeling so good. Here I have that space to spread my wings! And despite the snow outside (it is a real winter fairytale) I feel so warm because I have my family and real friends.

And despite the bad feelings I had there they brought me one of the biggest inspirations I’ve ever had. So I appreciate even this, but it would be better not to put myself in depression only for new inspiration. Now I have way more sunny thoughts and artworks - for the sun shining on me, summer warming the ice inside and wild beaches with no one around.

I am feeling free again - banished the depression and craving for new journeys! (as soon as the lockdown is over. Oh, I can’t wait)